This is the moment I feared would come when I began these blog entries. There are no artistic or whitty ways to say how we feel to make for a good read, or anything to say that will sugarcoat how my heart really feels. I simply feel sad, angry, confused, helpless, lonely, any every other emotion you can imagine has been a part of this ride. Im not going to write out a long history report of how the day went when we lost our beautiful daughter this weekend or what was medically the final straw in all the fight she gave. I just want to say that Carolina Rae let go of her short life here in our arms peacefully. We held her as her heart beat slower and slower as the hours went on. Her perfect arms were outstretched across her mother as her head layed perfectly nuzzled under the blanket of a loving mothers lips whispering the words “I Love You” and “Its Okay You Can Go Now And Be Healed.” Without all the wires and tubes providing her with the care she had only known, she finally recieved the care we know she longed for..her mothers embrace and her fathers arms around her. We finally got to see her for what she really was, an innocent, blameless before God, perfectly created, beautiful child. Her last breath on earth became her first in Heaven. And when she was gone, we shed many tears but our celebrated in a comfort that only Gods children will ever be able to experience. I have explained many times in my entries about how Carolina has instilled in me a hunger to return to the Lord. No other power has ever come close to bringing me home as I have so longed for in many years. We may never know why God has chosen to take our baby from us, but I do know what he has brought us in the conflict and the storms. If our baby had survived this ordeal, would my walk remain, would I grow stagnant again, would I crumble under the pressures of everyday life and take our little miracle for granted? Or will the Lord take her and renew my heart, and create a spiritual hurricane in my life that I have no want to control as it grows stronger and stronger with each tragedy that will continue to strike our lives as long as we are living in a world so full of sin. Im reminded of the quote by American Missionary Jim Elliot who was killed on the mission field…”He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” He was reffering to earthly treasures vs the gift of eternal life, but in my case I am no fool for celebrating what God has done with this tragedy. I would gladly give up my beautiful baby girl a thousand times over and over again to regain my spiritual standing in God our Father which otherwise could have never been reborn in a somewhat different situation. I do love her and I do miss her more than any words can describe in any stupid blog entries but I know she is where she belongs. She has a full set of lungs and she isnt on any paralletic meds anymore as she is singing and dancing with our Father in Heaven. And when we are there she will run into her Mothers arms and say Thank You for giving me a chance to live and for giving God the chance to make his will perfect in your life. And that is now officially the day I will live each day of my life to see. I now set my sights on Heaven and I live Godly and Heavenbound. Carolina has created an unshakeable foundation and for that I will gladly give her life over to the one who knows and may only be the one who ever knows why she was taken from us. Anyone taking the time to read this, please take another Moment Of Movement and please fall to your knees and thank God for Tragedy. Thank him that when the world he created curses him for the temporary gifts that are taken away, it is there that we really find our strength in him. It is there where we will find our hearts home. And it is there we realize life is more than living a day at a time, its about living for the ultimate reward.
Carolina Rae, we love you more than we will get a chance to tell you. But our loving and merciful God has his loving arms wrapped around you and we know that you know our hearts. We are thankful to you for renewing our family. I am thankful to you for bringing me back home to my Father where we belong. I will spend each moment of my life with my arms open wide, for at the moment I may take my last breath on earth, my first in Heaven will find you inside of this loving embrace.
The Presence Of God
Its past midnite now and im by Carolina’s side. Her numbers look great and she is having a stable evening. I cant express how great God is to his children when they return home. Im dubbing this baby an accessory to a prodical. Shes touching lost souls before she has even had her first cry. Gods perfect plan is being weaved together by all of your prayers and its not blurred behind the lines of everyday life, its shining out like the sunset over horizons. What I witness at her bedrest every long night is answered prayer, aka our Fathers Graceful loving arms. Father when you were on earth you prayed. In your hours of distress, you retreated into moments of prayer. In your hours of joy you lifted your heart and hands in prayer. Help us to be more like you in this way. Help us to make prayer a priority in our daily lives. …Max Lucado
A Moment Of Movement
There are a multitude of things on my heart right now that I want to share. First Carolina’s levels tonite reached 100 Praise God, that may not make sense to most of you but trust me its awesome to see on that monitor we have been eagerly staring at since Saturday. I want to share something that sounded at first even ill mannered to myself as I was driving home tonite from being at the hospital. I am rejoicing in what has happened to my family and the fearful night in the ER has now shifted to become a night that I thank God for. Although being scared still of what could come and wishing this is all wasnt so severe it has done something to all of us that is near unexplainable. My christian life has been in a stagnant state for a long time and our marriage has need much renewing. Experiencing the fear, pain, and overall sadness of watching our baby girl lie helpless in a sedated state has brought faith into our hearts that no storm can overcome. My heart longs for worship, and my eyes swell at the power and awe of how awesome the Body Of Christ is. In just a matter of days our hearts have been tried, and have come forth as gold. And just as his Word tells us, it is in the midst of the storm and chaos in our lives that we meet God in that perfect place and he is revealed to us. He is more real to us now than ever before. Our unity is growing, and the love I have for my wife could move mountains. Thank you God for bringing me to my knees, no matter how bad the circumstances that I find you in, your are there and I will worship you in my lowest and highest moments, where I will find you always. The term A Moment Of Movement entered my heart today as I was thinking about how much prayer and support we have been recieving. I want to ask all of you to please take a MOMENT out of your day for the remainder of this trial we are in the midst of to thank God for his restoration, grace, mercy, and love. Also thank Him for the Body Of Christ which has been such an impact and ministry to my family this week. Pray not only for Carolina Rae but for every baby in every corner of the earth that is going through pain. How selfish our desires are when others cant even afford what we can right now for our little girl. Then after a moment of prayer just reflect and sing unto God any worship song that comes to your heart, so that he can recieve thanksgiving from his children. Again as the word says, when two or more are gathered in my name you will find me there also….
The Lord hears good people when they cry out to him, and he saves them from all thier troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed. PSALM 34:17-18
A CALL TO WORSHIP
Everyone Knows the impact music has had on our lives. I feel its important sometimes to stop and let a song a simply fill our heads and emotionally work for us. However long this road will last I want to post songs from time to time that do exactly that for me. Songs that take me to another place other than my own controlled emotions. When someone else has just the words and the melody to spark the simple tear or laugh youve held back. I love Always because its a great song but just listening to this cd in the car this morning, this song did exactly that. It spoke to my heart letting controlled emotions become uncontrolled letting me know exacty where my heart lies. Remember its important to worship during these times as well as cry out to God.
Catching up with Carolina
All I can think about in this moment is how one week ago our Daughter was born and should be in our arms sleeping sound being nurtured by her mother. But life has its own way of keeping us on our feet by throwing us curveballs we only think can happen to other people. 16 weeks ago Michelle awoke in the dead of night to find her water had broken. We rushed to the hospital where she spent many weeks getting treated for something we completely unware could eve happen so early along. The analysis was that she had PROM, which is pre rupture of the membranes. So basically as long as she was pregnant the baby would have little to no amniotic fluid, which is crucial to proper lung development, in the womb. We were warned of the consequences we would face in this situation as well as a push from 2 different Dr’s. that abortion would perhaps be a smart choice considering our busy lives and great demands of the healthy 2 year old we have at home. Without discussion we pushed off the idea of jumping ship. We know God has fearfully and wonderfully knitted this baby into our lives and it is not up to us to disrupt Gods perfect plans. After months of bedrest and a large percentage of the pregnancy in a hospital bed, 30 weeks rolled around..but it did so with low heart readings and heavy bleeding. With the wisdon of the Dr’s. Carolina Rae took her first breaths outside of the womb one week ago, but unfortunately they were not on her own but through various tubes and vintilators that had been prepared ahead knowing the formation of the lungs was in question. Along with other preemie based issues she was transported to Loma Linda Childrens Hospital which has a top of the class NICU. That was an immediate comfort on us knowing the great care she would be recieving there. The first day was one of the most strenious and painful I have experienced in my life. The amount of broken-ness and pain that inflicts physically on your body when watching your own flesh and blood struggle for thier life is without question a horrible thing. I spent an entire day watching a sea of nurse work urgently on her while vintilator violently rattled the life into her fragile little body. She eventually became stable and her numbers became more acceptable as the night rolled in. As monday approached we began what now has been the longest week of our lives, for every 10 steps foward, she takes another 5 steps back. Her stats have taken us on a rollercoaster of unknowns. We were finally explained in depth that she has Puliminary Hypertension of the Lungs, or in Lehmans terms, a very premature set of lungs due to the rupture and lack of fluids in utero. We were prepared for the difficulty we were warned of but the severity was unclear until she arrived. We were also informed later that the nurses considered her a loss that first day while they were fighting for her life. By Gods Grace she was anything but that. There has been many times this week we have been called to be by her side in preperation for a possible goodbye to our precious baby girl. The most serious of these came yesterday. Friday night was near perfect, her test came back great, her eyes started to open and her little fingers were doing the movements our hearts had longed to see..all of which needless to say finally provided us with a comfortable nights sleep. Yesterday we walked into what seemed like a war zone when we arrived at the NICU. She was once again surrounded by nurses and Dr’s. informed us her stats had started dropping rapidly and the vintilators just werent providing that push she so needed anymore. After maxing out on what seems to be a thousand of the meds she has been on and switching her between three major vintilators we recievd the rundown. Her oxygen and blood levels just werent cooperating and her body was very very tired. It became a waiting game and we were made aware of a few decisions we were likely to face in the next hours. I quickly and earnestly called for prayer and also spent the few minutes I could muster up on my knees as well. All I can remember muttering from my lips the last 24 hours have been “Father, we will remain faithful.” Needless to say many hours into the night her numbers began to rise and she became stable in somewhat acceptable stats. At his hour that is where she remains. She is still low on stats but a workable level in order for them to continue providing care in hopes of a further rise in stats. Her body is tired, her skin has grown pale, and our hearts have grown heavy. We realize Gods will is not always our own selfish desires and we train ourselves to understand that Gods perfect plan must also be perfect for us. I will however remain selfish in my desire to have that precious life come home and lighten our lives with her laughter and cries as a daughter, a sister, and above all else a miracle. But I remain faithful to our Father that she belongs to him and it is up to him where she will end up at the end of this long and painful short road thus far. I will continue on my knees and I beg for Gods people to remain in prayer as well. We hear your prayers and we know God hears all of us. I invite all of you to join us in worship and song as well a thanksgiving. It is our desire for each and every one of you to be touched by Baby Carolina in some way. She loves all of you and more importantly God loves all his children. We now sit and wait for Gods perfect will to be revealed. Thanks to everyone who has taken time of thier days to dedicate words of intercessory for Carolina.
